- No matter how much you liked, loved, tolerated your job, it will become infinitely harder to concentrate at work.
- It took two months for us to realize we had to clean behind our son's ears. Two. That wasn't just dry skin.
- It will become seemingly acceptable to talk about poop, pee, and gas in any forum. The people in the elevator or at the dinner table will not equally revel in the fact that your baby has now gone from pooping several times a day to one, or sometimes none. Even if they have kids of their own.
- Fact: You will adjust to operating on less sleep. Reality: It won't make you miss it any less.
- The idea of conception will now become a scientific concept. This does not mean that people at work want to know that you have a true "Derby baby." But, you will continue to tell them anyway.
- The baby blues are real. You are normal if you cry at the exact same time every night somewhere around a couple days to a couple weeks after you give birth. Your husband will think to himself, "I really thought as soon as the kid popped out, the crazy would go away." He was half right.
- Resist the urge to compare your child to anyone else's, particularly when it comes to milestones. There's a reason the pediatrician gives you a range. Besides, they are probably fibbing anyway.
- Speaking of milestones (and fibbing): "sleeping through the night" (depending on what you read) is characterized as sleeping somewhere between 5 and 7 hours at a time. Those parents that brag about it early on may very well:
a) be so unconscious they don't actually realize the kid has woken up and gone back to sleep on his/her own.
b) have a good sleeper -- for that night. When they don't post it for the whole world to read again the next night, the kid went back to being a baby and waking up like they are supposed to.
c) still be awake at 3 or 4 am for the day. No one specified when the 5 hours started.
- I'm not ignoring you. I got between zero and five hours of sleep last night and am actually still asleep. With my eyes open. At work.
- SIDS is a scary possibility. In other cultures, parents sleep in bed with their babies from day 1. Don't be ashamed to tell people you took a nap or slept with your kid. Just be careful.
- Breastfeeding felt completely natural. Using a machine with a motor to simulate breastfeeding -- one that makes the oddest noises? Notsomuch.
- The "baby weight" may come off more easily than you expected. The last 5 to 10 pounds from the extra pieces of cake or servings of biscuits and gravy will be a little harder to shed. Kudos to you if it was easy. If it was more, remember the fibbing? The last 5 the chick at work is talking about is probably actually more like 8 or 10. Guilty. Hey, I'm not making weight for wrestling. I can tell myself it's water weight if I want to.
- You'll want another one. And, you'll forget anything bad that you may have experienced during pregnancy. Raging back pain? Feet and calves swollen to double (okay, closer to triple) their original size? Like it never even happened.
- Some children's books seriously make no sense at all. None.
- Children's clothing is grossly overpriced and the stuff that isn't really is cheap. And will pill. And fade. And shrink. I'm different sizes in different brands, but seriously Carter's? My son is in the 5th-10th percentile for height and weight, respectively. No, he shouldn't be wearing 6 or 9 month clothing at 2 or 3 months. But, it's cute, so I'll buy it anyway. Darn you, Carter's.
- If you are as happy as we are, there's a reason daycare is like another mortgage payment. Those ladies really do love your child as much as you do. They just get to give him back at the end of the day. Sorry he peed in your hair yesterday, Willy. Truly sorry.